Lawyer Jokes Etcetera: The Legal Mind in Action

Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

Attorney: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

Witness: It indicates intercourse.

Attorney: Male sperm?

Witness: That is the only kind I know.

Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.

Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: What were you doing at that time?

Attorney: All right, Mr. C., is it not a fact that this witness came into this court here and admitted to having sexual relations with you in open court, in front of the jury?

Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

Witness: I went to Europe, sir.

Attorney: And did you take your new wife?

Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Attorney: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there girls?

Attorney: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child?

Witness: I'm his mother.

Attorney: And you have been so all of his life?

Attorney: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

Witness: She is my daughter.

Attorney: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Attorney: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

Witness: I used to be.

Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?

Attorney: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Attorney: Did he kill you?

Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

Witness: Yes, sir.

Attorney: Before or after he died?

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?

Witness: At his funeral.

Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

"If you or any member of your family has been killed . . ."

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"Do you, or any travelling companion, speak English or any other language?"

From a letter sent by the U.S. Department of Justice to potential witnesses from overseas.

Attorney: Now — you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

Witness: That's me.

Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Attorney: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Attorney: This Myasthenia Gavis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in whay ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget things.

Attorney: You forget things? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or female?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Judge: Please begin.

Attorney: Thank you. [To witness:] Miss, while you have, if you do have—you still—oh, you don't.

Judge: That was a great start, Counsel.

Attorney: When he went — had you gone — and had she — if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go — gone also — would he have brought you — meaning you and she — with him to the station?

Opposing Counsel: Objection, your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.

Attorney: Your Honor, he is . . . on the witness list, he has been called. We know where he is. I'm intending to call him. I don't know why I'm being circumcised.

Judge: Because you are Jewish, but beyond that—circumscribed, Counselor.

Attorney: That too.

Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?

Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?

Attorney: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Attorney: Your Honor — I'd like to strike the next question.

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