Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.
Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A. Even hyenas have their dignity.
Q. What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exclaimed his friend.
"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"
The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
David Mellor, Question Time, BBC1, December 3, 1992
As most lawyers, I'm human.
Robert Mardian (1923-2006), Watergate figure, in an optimistic moment
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog?
A. A bulldog generally has enough sense to let go.
Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
When two dogs fight for a bone and a third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.
He saw a lawyer killing a viper
On a dunghill hard by his own stable,
And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
Of Cain and his brother Abel.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Devil's Thoughts, 1799
Frasier: Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.
Frasier, "Look before You Leap" (1996)
One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollars," the shopkeeper replied. "One hundred dollars with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You've come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."
Q. Why are scientists now using lawyers in their laboratory experiments instead of rats?
A. Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just won't do.
(Mind you, the scientists are finding it difficult to extrapolate the results of the experiments to human beings.)