Q. What on earth is the matter with you people?
A. That question is much debated here at Archelaus. There are various theories, but everyone agrees that the whole "abstinence only" thing just isn't working for some of us.
Q. Where can I find Archelaus cards for sale?
A. Please consult this list of retail locations, which will direct you to the many fine merchants who carry our cards.
Q. I don't live near any fine merchants. How can I obtain Archelaus cards?
A. You can order them online through this website.
Q. I am a fine merchant myself. How can I carry Archelaus cards?
A. Please consult our exciting wholesale portal.
Q. What is Archelaus's shipping policy?
A. *YAWN* You can read about that here.
Q. Does Archelaus use recycled paper?
A. Yes, indeed. Most Archelaus cards and envelopes are manufactured from recycled, acid-free paper. Formerly all of them were, but unfortunately the paper mills ceased production of the necessary cardstock for some of them.
Q. That's all very well, but when my order arrived, it was packed with environmentally hateful styrofoam peanuts! What on earth is the matter with you people?
A. As noted above, that question is much debated here at Archelaus. Regarding the styrofoam peanut issue, however, the explanation is simple. Archelaus has a large supply of used packing materials that we meticulously reuse when filling your orders. The alternative is to consign them to a landfill. We urge our customers to follow our example and reuse these things, as well.
Q. Does Archelaus rely on unfair labor practices, animal testing, or K Street lobbyists?
A. All Archelaus cards are proudly manufactured in the United States of America without resort to sweatshops, dark Satanic mills, or other unseemly abuses. Early Archelaus cards were tested on ferrets with inconclusive results, and no further animal testing is contemplated. Although some of the ferrets were earmarked, Archelaus employs no political lobbyists of any kind.
Q. Do the card designers at Archelaus create the art on your cards?
A. Good heavens, no! That would require actual talent. Almost all of the art on Archelaus cards derives from out-of-copyright or non-copyright sources.
Q. Where does the name Archelaus come from?
A. According to Dr. Hurlbutt, Archelaus (pronounced ar-ke-LAY-us) is the Latin form of the Greek Arkhelaos. Use of the name in modern times has principally been due to its appearance in Matthew 2:22, where it refers to Herod Archelaus of Judea, son of Herod the Great. Other historical figures bearing the name include an ancient Greek philosopher, a king of Macedonia, and the last king of Cappadocia. In British and American genealogical records, the name appears to have sometimes become confused with "Hercules."
Q. Who is Dr. Hurlbutt?
A. Dr. Allardyce Hurlbutt is a noted historian, writer, and man-about-town. He is an expert on names, odd happenings, and peculiar things generally.
Q. If I join the Archelaus mailing list, will my personal information be sold to the purveyors of internet pornography, recreational drugs, and/or foolproof ways to build fabulous wealth through real estate?
Q. I find your cards vile and repulsive, and I want to see all of you beaten with a stick!
A. Please rephrase your abuse in the form of a question.
Q. What does Archelaus have against lawyers?
A. Nothing at all. We expect they are entirely delightful when properly cooked.
Q. Archelaus cards helped me achieve orgasm. Or do I mean paroxysm?
A. That is difficult to say without further particulars. Both results have been reported anecdotally. Neither was observed during our preliminary testing with ferrets.