Ruination & Despair

Behold, another two exciting blank notecards for your pleasure and delight! Happy New Year from Archelaus!

Hey kids, be the first one on your block to get these new blank notecards from Archelaus!

Next Valentine’s Day, or any other time you want to assure that special someone of the depth of your regard, why not give our latest checkbox card, “Taste in carrion”?

Okay, so it features vultures. These noble birds perform a valuable ecological service, and deserve a better reputation. Besides, who is to say that such sadly misunderstood scavengers do not lead impressively vibrant romantic and sexual lives?

At any rate, they appear to have better luck in that department than card designers do.

Not content to rest on our laurels (such as they are), we are pushing ahead with something new and exciting, namely party invitations! Sure, you can always use some boring online service to issue your invitations electronically, but if you really want to get people fired up to attend your so-called event — be it a vegetarian orgy, a cornhusking, or a public hanging — wouldn’t you do better to send Archelaus invitations? Of course you would!

Our latest holiday card began life as a lame bit of vintage artwork, with some sappy text about “Compliments of the Season” being “the old, old greeting, kind and true.” Just a little tweaking, however, and you have a characteristic Archelaus product. Whatever that means.

Earlier this year, I used a cartoon by Ralph Fuller (1890-1963) in my series on the cartoons of the Great Depression (see part 8: Christmas 1931). It depicts Santa Claus as he emerges from a snowy chimney, stripped to his underwear, his eye blackened, exclaiming: “Gosh! I didn’t realize they were so hard up!”

Given the country’s current economic woes, we have decided to republish the cartoon as a holiday card this year. Just click on the image to the left for a better look!

How better to celebrate the holiday than with substantial discounts on skeletal warriors, armies of rented zombies, and tasty mutant spiders? (Unless you object to how commercial the holiday has become.) And don’t forget to ask about Dr. Damocles’s spacious crypt rentals!

This is our first ever Halloween card. I can’t imagine why we haven’t done one before. I do know I’ve been meaning to use that skull illustration for a long time.

Anyway, enjoy!

Hard-core Archelaus fans will recognize this design from a blank notecard we released in 2007. Alas, as a notecard, the design did not meet with the success we hoped, but I personally am much too fond of it to give up. So, here, retooled slightly, it is again, this time as a postcard.

Alethea has been hinting at decidedly unpleasant consequences if I don’t produce some saleable new cards in pretty short order.

In the hope of mollifying her, I have decided to resurrect the fine cartoon on the left, first published in Life on May Day, 1931. Unfortunately the work is unsigned, and I cannot readily identify the cartoonist. It is clearly the same individual, however, who drew the no less diverting cartoon below, dating from July 4, 1930.

Riotous celebration?

Run! Hide! Panic!

(Hey, why should I be responsible for writing the advertising copy for all our new cards? Isn’t it enough that I design the wretched things?)

Anyway, this is our first new birthday card in awhile. For the moment, I’m relatively well pleased with it, but that doesn’t mean it will sell.

Hint, hint.

Given the success of our handsome multilingual thank you note, we decided to do something similar for Mother’s Day. It was a choice between that or a card so grossly inappropriate it might have provoked Alethea to violence.

At the kind suggestion of one of the fine merchants who purvey our wholesome and uplifting products, we have expanded our popular line of notorious checkbox cards with a design specifically for graduation.

It is that time of year, after all.

We trust this card will serve its purpose without causing fainting fits, gastro-intestinal distress, or regrettable outbreaks of violence. Of course, should we prove mistaken on any of these points, we disclaim all legal liability.