Ruination & Despair

In the early hours of this morning, an Archelaus special operations team shipped a preliminary order of cards to Dee Gee’s Gifts and Books in Morehead City, on North Carolina’s Crystal Coast. No casualties have been reported. Founded in 1934, Dee Gee’s is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year and claims to be the oldest continuously operating bookstore in the state.

I am pleased to say that the Archelaus team returned from the National Stationery Show in good order on Thursday night, without unnecessary loss of life or limb (although some attendees continue even now to stagger around our company headquarters in a dazed and pitiable condition). While we are choosing to call the show a success, only time will tell whether this bold claim is actually true. We must first see whether our silver-tongued sales force can transform mere leads into actual orders. Based on the orders we received at the event itself, however, I do think it is fair to say that the show was not a failure.

Objectively the National Stationery Show can probably be said to be going well for us so far. In the first two days we have secured several orders, gathered a respectable number of sales leads, and given out an acceptable quantity of catalogs. Subjectively, on the other hand, the show has been a bit of an ordeal for the Archelaus team. Cadwalader complains that a ten-foot by six-foot booth provides insufficient space for him to pace like a caged animal, and we are all vexed by the number of attendees who avert their eyes from our display as they pass, as if from some unclean thing. Cadwalader has suggested that it might attract attention if I lay on the floor in an attitude of death, but I do not think this plan comports sufficiently with my personal dignity. And finally, I have had to reprove the Customer Service Minions for ogling the female sales staff at nearby booths.

Let us hope today will be better.

The boys in marketing issued the following news release yesterday, despite my objection that it consists chiefly of lies.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Company’s Tradeshow Debut Causes Chaos.

Widespread rioting expected. Officials call for panic.

New York, May 17. Public disorder marred the opening of the National Stationery Show at the Jacob Javits Convention Center this morning, provoked by the booth display of Archelaus, an upstart greeting card company from Washington, DC. “Such products shouldn’t be allowed,” shouted one attendee, as she pummeled the company’s sales representative with her handbag. “Greeting cards should be wholesome and uplifting,” declared another, “not subversive and disgusting. They should have puppies and kittens on them, not mongooses and Tibetan demons.” Security personnel had difficulty quelling the angry crowd. “Frankly, I can see why these people are upset,” one officer stated. “Why, I even saw cards making fun of the economic crisis.”

An Archelaus spokesperson was unapologetic and rude. He refused to give his name, claiming it was for his own safety. “My wife thinks I’m in Nebraska,” he explained.

A spokesperson for the National Stationery Show was more cooperative, pointing out that only the Show’s strict adherence to all New York City fire-safety regulations had prevented the howling mob from setting the Archelaus booth ablaze.

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If our blog entries have fallen by the wayside recently, it is because the entire Archelaus team has been working like rented mules to prepare for the National Stationery Show next week. Today, we finally shipped the sundry components of our booth display to New York, allowing us to breathe a collective sigh of relief and exhaustion. Customer Service Minion #3 actually appears catatonic, but I suspect that will pass if I poke him with something sharp.